Helping Kids with Grief and Loss

Photo by Tadeusz Lakota on Unsplash

The Institute of Child Psychology have produced an interview video and printable help sheets to assist in supporting children with their feelings of grief and loss either after a death or during separation and divorce.

I was moved by an insightful piece by Tammy Schamuhn, who speaks of her own experience supporting her children through recent loss in a 10-minute video conversation with Samantha Dover, Child Psychologist and Grief Recovery Specialist, 5 Tips to Help a Child with Loss, which explores both personal loss and dealing with unusual circumstances such as the isolation of the COVID pandemic.

In my own experience, I was a toddler when my brother, who had been gravely ill throughout his life, died in his mid-teens. I had no vocabulary at the time to express my feelings or to understand the experiences of my family as they dealt with their grief. The common understanding at the time was that young children are exempted from the impact of experiences beyond their comprehension and move forward without impact. My lived experience would tell me otherwise.

The impacts were absorbed at an emotional level and affected my understanding of the world, eroding my ability to trust and to see the world as a safe place. Over the years, I have learned to accept this and count in my bias when determining risk, but I always have to be aware that this is my starting point. I am aware that I can easily go to the “outsider” emotional response in group process under stress, because my instinct is to withdraw inside myself under pressure. I have had to learn to remember that it is me pulling away, rather than others pushing me away, that I am experiencing, so as to respond appropriately in dealing with situations that feel painful.

Because I hold this “unarticulated” grief memory in my body, I am attuned to the impact of non-verbal comforting behaviours in response to grief and loss, particularly holding a hand, resting a hand on an upper arm, or an extended hug if the recipient is comfortable with that form of expression. Having someone stay quiet, move gently, and ask permission before approaching too close, are key elements for me in receiving support.

It has also impacted my friendship choices over the years. Time and again, I have connected with a new acquaintance and felt a real bond, only to find, as the friendship developed to a place of deeper trust, that they, too, had lost a sibling in childhood. In my teens, I found a friend and mentor who was the same age as my brother (14 years old than I), who then became a lifelong “sibling-substitute” and support to both me and my parents up until his death a few years ago, co-opted into our family. I have learned through experience, when forming community around myself, that I need that “brother” space occupied in my emotional life in order to feel secure and relaxed.

The strengths that have evolved, as I have worked to better understand my own emotional processes, have led to a heightened intuition and empathy for others whose feelings don’t process readily into words, and have become an asset in both my personal and working life.

Samantha starts the video with the significant reminder that grief is conflicting feelings that come whenever there is a change in a familiar pattern around us. As soon as our children begin to experience the changes going on around us in our world, it is normal for them to have a variety of emotions.

She notes that a lot of our old ways of responding to grief are not the most helpful: things like encouraging your kid to just take time, or to be strong are really counter-productive for children learning how to navigate through those emotions.

She recommends talking about the feelings we are experiencing, and stresses that healing requires more than just time, but needs active support. She notes the importance of remembering that the process of grieving can elicit different responses in individuals, not just sadness and tears, but also anxiety and/or anger, and even a seeming lack of response, just wanting to get back to normal activity.

Samantha suggests that an important action can be developing and forming rituals to celebrate the relationship we had, such as going out to dinner together once a year to share stories of the relationship we have shared, or having mementos at central annual celebrations (e.g. ornaments on a Christmas tree) that remind us of that important relationship, or a special dish that was a personal favourite of the person being remembered, or occasionally bringing out a scrapbook or photo album. These serve to remind us of how special that relationship was that we shared together.

She ends with a reminder that, as caregivers, it is vitally important to acknowledge what emotions we are carrying personally, so as to make space for the child’s experience. Our children learn from observing how we deal with our emotions, so finding ways to acknowledge and process and get support for our own experience of grief is of tremendous value to our children as well.

Tammy also provides two excellent resources from the Institute of Child Psychology:

·      A free, printable handout on Helping a Child with Grief & Loss

·      A free, printable handout on Helping a Child with Divorce & Separation