14 Tools to Help Fathers Stay Connected to Their Partners

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Dads! Renovate Your Relationship

The Dad Central Ontario booklet is designed to help dads “see the tell-tale cracks appearing and take action” by providing “14 Tools to Help Fathers Stay Connected to Their Partners”. Dad Central heard from many men who said they did not see the problems in their relationships until it was too late.

The manual is designed for new fathers as “a blueprint for taking a new look at your relationship now that you are a father. Becoming a parent is a time of big changes; changes that can bring couples together, but also drive them apart.”

The booklet begins by laying down the Project Foundations:

  • Trust, respect and equality
  • Mutual decision-making and shared responsibility
  • Resolving conflict
  • Good communication
  • Intimacy
  • Parents and relationships

The 14 Tools are described using simple, straightforward language and would make an excellent framework for a workshop series.

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  • Recovering from childbirth and getting used to being a mother is a really big deal, both physically and emotionally
  • She can’t be looking after you: “In fact, she needs you to look after her…fathers are now very important caregivers for new moms.”

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  • Men often take longer to feel comfortable in the role of parent.
  • Baby makes three: “Babies usually fill up a mother’s heart and mind more than a father’s. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you or want you. But you may feel the change in your relationship more than she does.”
  • Less time, new responsibilities
  • New parenthood is not always “concrete”: “Men usually like concrete things, where it is absolutely clear what needs to be done. Parenting has grey areas, where the exact, right thing to do may not always be clear. That takes getting used to.”

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  • “Hands-on fathers are pretty well essential for today’s families. That’s partly because babies need more than one caregiver (meaning you). But active involvement is also something most mothers simply expect from their partners these days. Here’s how to get started:”
  • On the job experience: “let [your partner] know you want to be involved in looking after the baby and ask for her support.”
  • Find one job to become really good at: “Giving baths is a common example. Getting really good at one particular job helps new dads feed confident and competent, and also builds in the time together that dads and babies need to get to know each other.”
  • Back-seat driving? “Perfectly normal, guys. Although mothers want their partners to be involved in baby care these days, women usually feel that the baby is mainly their responsibility. That’s why some mothers can’t help back-seat driving. The more you develop your skills, the easier it will be for her to let you ‘drive’.”

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  • “Attachment – a strong sense of connection and trust between parent and child – is the foundation of children’s emotional and mental health. That connection also helps you enjoy fatherhood and share the experience of parenting with your partner. That way your baby draws you together and doesn’t pull you apart. It also helps you understand your child, which helps make you a better father.”
  • Getting connected:
    • Get involved. Activities like skating, swimming and fishing will come later, “but right now, being involved is all about hands-on care – diapering, bathing, comforting, etc.”
    • Touch, touch, touch: “It helps them feel safe and secure and actually helps their little brains develop. Dad/baby contact is good for your ‘Dad brain’ too.”
    • Give yourself time. “Some people talk about instant connection with babies, but in reality this is a new relationship and it takes time to build it….Babies come in easy, medium and hard. Some babies cry more, sleep less and are harder to soothe. If your baby is like that it may take longer to feel connected. Things usually get better after a few months.”
  • Don’t compete with Mom: “While you do need your Dad and baby time, become involved in a way that supports the mom-baby connection.”

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  • Parenting differences
  • Dad/Mom differences: Seeing difference differently
    • “Talk about your differences at a time when you are able to do so in a spirit of acceptance.
    • Try to see the world from your partner’s point of view.
    • Avoid power struggles over whose ‘way’ is the best way.
    • Try to see your partner’s strengths and learn from them.
    • Accommodate, negotiate and respect the impact of your actions on one another.”
  • Differences that make you worry: “Sometimes fathers worry about how their partner is doing. She may seem depressed, have trouble connecting with the baby or have a problem with drugs or alcohol. If you are worried about your partner, keep trying to support her as best you can, ask her what support she needs from you and work together to get help for your family.”

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This section discusses communication and offers tips to help with listening and communication between partners.

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  • Active listening do’s
  • Active listening don’ts
  • Why should I practice this? “Because good listening is love in action; it will bring you closer.”

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  • “Men sometimes respond to women’s emotions with problem-solving: ‘Tell me the problem and I’ll fix it so you don’t have to feel bad anymore.’ Problem-solving is useful, but sometimes it’s best to focus on how your partner feels.”
  • Soothe hurt feelings.
  • Use your words
  • Don’t wait until you’re at the boiling point
  • De-escalate!
  • Watch for the exit door: “Often, in a conflict, one partner will offer a way out by saying or doing something that shows they want to cool things down. Watch for those exit doors and take them when you can.”
  • Look beyond anger: “If you feel angry, ask yourself if you might be feeling other things too. Sometimes there is sadness, fear, guilt or loneliness hiding behind men’s anger.”
  • Practice: “The only way to become good at expressing emotion is to work at it. “

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  • “Unresolved conflict is like rust – it can corrode something that once was fresh and strong. Like rust you cannot just leave it and hope it will go away.”
  • Signs of damaging conflict
  • The anti-corrosion treatment
  • Consulting a professional

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  • Reduce stress
  • Cope:
    • Look after yourself
    • Problem-solve
    • Reach out to others
    • Use in-the-moment coping techniques
  • De-stress

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This section offers a range of techniques to manage anger: “Anger is a normal emotion. Feeling anger is not bad; it’s what we do with our anger that matters. Feelings of anger or frustration need to be managed carefully to ensure they don’t damage communication.”

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  • It’s different for parents
  • It’s different for moms
  • Talk about it
  • Lighten her load and free her mind: “While there are no guarantees, anything you can do to lighten your partner’s workload, share responsibilities and help her feel more relaxed helps to create more space for sex in your partner’s mind and heart.”

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  • Doing your share
  • Support your partner’s parenting
  • Give each other breaks
  • Work towards common goals

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  • Power sharing and team work
  • Abuse: the greatest risk to your relationship: “There is never any excuse for threatening, abusive and violent behaviour, no matter how angry or frustrated we are. This is the greatest risk to any relationship. It brings unwanted and damaging consequences for all concerned – your partner, your children and yourself.”
  • The warning signs 

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  • “Of course you want to care for your partner and your children. But you also have a responsibility to look after yourself. Caring for yourself helps you be both a good partner and a good father.”
  • Claiming your space
  • Work/life balance
  • Depression and anxiety
  • Friends
  • Have regular health checks
  • Finding Help: how to access services if you need support
  • If you have been affected by violence: “Research shows that men who experienced or witnessed violence in their own families while growing up are at increased risk for using violence in their intimate relationships…Some men become determined not to repeat the patterns…, while for others violence can seem like normal, acceptable behaviour.”

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Fathering, Research + InnovationsGuest User