Book: The Sorry Plane
The Sorry Plane carries a profound message about the importance of connecting with our authentic emotions. The aim of the book is to highlight the impact of a heartfelt caring response, as opposed to saying, “Sorry,” by rote or under instruction from a parent or caregiver. It is designed to show ways in which adults can support and preserve a child’s caring spirit.
In an article on her website about her book, Dr. MacNamara notes that forced ‘sorry’s’ sound hollow because they are usually devoid of genuine caring. She emphasizes that manners must be rooted in right meanings. She asks, “If we make a child repeat caring phrases will this lead to a more caring child?”
Her focus is on whether a child is able to express their vulnerable emotions. “Can they get to their tears when they are facing things that won’t go their way? Do they feel badly when they have hurt someone else? Many bullies have been told to say sorry to their victims, but this hasn’t changed the bully or made them more caring. Children will be more caring to others when they are full of caring feelings.”
Dr. MacNamara states that the capacity to care is hardwired into our emotional system at birth, but it needs support to emerge, and needs attachment as a starting point. “Children need to be cared for in order to unlock their capacity to care for others and things around them,” she says. Referencing Gordon Neufeld’s expression of a child’s need to ‘rest’ in love, she argues that “when a child can take for granted that their relational needs will be met, their emotional system roars to life and they are drawn into relationship with their caregivers….We know through developmental science that we are born with deep instincts and emotions to care for oneself and others….The challenge with young children is that they can only experience one emotion at a time so if they are frustrated, their caring is eclipsed and all we may see is attacking behaviour.”
Dr. MacNamara notes that the capacity to hold on to two emotions or thoughts at the same time does not develop until 5-7 years of age for children. In a child younger than this, a temporary loss of caring feelings is an alert that the child needs care and support from an adult caregiver. She advises the benefit of coming alongside the emotion the child is experiencing and then leading the child towards their caring feelings. “If we believe that children lash out because they have immature brains and that their emotions sometimes get the better of them, then we can be patient and focus on their emotion first. Instead of tackling behaviour, we will have faith that nurturing their feelings is what bears the real fruits of maturity in the long run.”
The Sorry Plane is based on a true story of Dr. MacNamara’s experience with her own children, and the difference in emotional response that children can experience. In the story, “one child gets there quickly but the other child digs in her heels, protesting and claiming there are no sorry’s in her. This is a true story – these were my kids,” she says, “and I was that mother in the story. Instead of commanding a false performance, the mother conveys that a sorry is needed and that in time, she believes it will come. While the young child protests and leads them on a wild goose chase to find them, the mother is both caring and firm in her stance that sorry’s do come back. In the end, the child softens and tells her sister she is sorry with heartfelt caring and sincerity. There is nothing like an apology full of caring that can draw the forgiveness out of another person.”