Dad Central Facts for Fathers Series: Relationship Changes
As part of their Facts for Fathers series, Dad Central has produced a downloadable Renovate Your Relationship booklet. Becoming a parent is a time of big changes that can bring couples closer together or drive them apart. The booklet is designed to help dads proactively address the issues and take steps to strengthen relationships during this time of adaptation for a couple.
Dads can be caught out by unexpected changes in the dynamic of the relationship with their partner in the post-partum period, and can find themselves experiencing stress without knowing where to turn at a time when the primary focus is on meeting the needs of the child and mother.
The Dad Central blog points out the importance of demonstrating a loving relationship to your child, as they learn lifelong lessons from the parental partnership that they witness. Children are very aware of the emotional state of their caregivers.
It can sometimes take time for a dad to feel comfortable and connected with their newborn. The key elements in developing this bond are time and experience with your baby.
The first year of parenthood can be challenging for partners. Babies are a lot of work. Most likely, there will be less sleep, less money to spend, and less free time for partners, individually and together. Some of the differences with your partner that seemed lovable before might start to feel like problems, but on the other hand, there will likely also be new strengths demonstrated that elicit admiration and love.
There are likely to be changes in a couple’s sex life. Early parenthood is a time when less frequent sex is normal. Even after she has recovered from childbirth, a woman may feel “all touched out” caring for the baby and it may take her a while to feel sexy again.
The blog notes that “Many men say they didn’t see the problems in their relationship until it was too late. These guys wish they had done maintenance work beforehand so they never reached the point where the relationship was beyond repair. Renovate Your Relationship offers a manual as a blueprint for taking a new look at your relationship now that you are a father.
The Project Foundations to build on are:
· Trust, respect and equality
· Mutual decision-making and shared responsibility
· Resolving conflict
· Good communication
· Intimacy
Here is an overview of the toolkit, with sample extracts:
Tool 1: Understanding Mom
· Recovering from childbirth and getting used to being a mother is a really big deal, both physically and emotionally. Your partner can’t be looking after you at this time. She needs you to look after her, such as offering help with meal preparation and cleaning, fetching things, and giving her breaks from baby care.
Tool 2: Understanding Dad
· Men often take longer to feel comfortable in the role of parent. Baby makes three, and the new little person in your life is also part of the relationship you have with your partner. Your partner’s necessary focus on the baby doesn’t mean she doesn’t need you or want you, but you may feel the change in your relationship more than she does.
· There will be less time to be alone together, and more responsibilities. You and your partner will have to work a little harder to find time for each other.
· New parenthood is not always predictable. Men usually like concrete things, where it is absolutely clear what needs to be done. Parenting has grey areas, where the exact, right thing to do may not always be clear. That takes getting used to.
· Most marriages survive new parenthood. One of the best ways to deal with the challenges is to make your family your biggest priority.
o Devote your free time to your partner and child.
o Take time off work when your baby is born.
o Change your financial thinking to consider your child’s material needs.
o Be a hands-on dad.
Tool 3: Be a Hands-on Dad
· There is only one way to get comfortable with looking after babies: hands-on experience. Find one job to become really good at, such as giving baths. Getting really good at one particular job helps dads feel confident and competent and sets up a pattern of regular time and interaction with your baby. Remember: your partner will feel more able to trust you to know what to do with the baby as your skills develop, and conversely, when mothers feel they are carrying an unfair load or their partners aren’t committed to the work of parenting, it puts a strain on relationship.
· Resource: go to www.newdadmanual.ca to find a Canadian website packed with how-to videos and articles for new fathers.
Tool 4: Connect with Your Child
· Get involved with hands-on care: diapering, bathing, comforting, etc.
· Touch, touch, touch. Babies need to be touched and held. It helps them feel safe and secure and helps their brains develop.
· Give yourself time to build the relationship with your child and find ways to become involved that support the mom-baby connection. Don’t try to compete with your partner for the baby.
Tool 5: Accepting Differences
· As parents you may notice new difference related to parenting style. Often our parenting attitudes have a lot to do with the way we were raised. Talk about your differences at a time when you are able to do so in a spirit of acceptance. Try to see the world from your partner’s point of view and avoid power struggles over whose ‘way’ is the best way. Acknowledge and learn from your partner’s strengths, and accommodate, negotiate and respect the impact of your actions on one another.
· If you are worried that your partner seems depressed, is having trouble connecting with the baby, or is having a problem with drugs or alcohol, keep trying to support her as best you can, ask her what support she needs from you, and work together to get help for your family.
Tool 6: Avoiding Misunderstandings
· Try being aware of how you are feeling about your partner at the time, which can influence how you communicate. Try using “I” statements (e.g. “I am sad that you decided not to help me out.) Check with your partner that you have understood their message accurately before continuing the discussion. Remember: Communicating isn’t just about words. Your tone of voice, facial expressions, body language or even your silence communicate as much, if not more, than the words spoken.
Tool 7: Sharpen Your Listening
· Good listening is love in actions; it will bring you closer. If you want to be heard, then first learn to listen. The aim is not to score points; it is to hear what your partner thinks and feels. Practice active listening and summarizing skills.
Tool 8: Build Your Emotional Skills
· Acknowledge and soothe hurt feelings with empathy – showing that you understand and care about how your partner feels. Being able to talk about feelings is an important relationship skill. If you think you’re not very good at it, try writing down what you want to say. Read it out loud to yourself. Keep changing it until it feels right. Don’t wait until you are at the boiling point to discuss concerns and disagreements.
· De-escalate: that means not saying or doing things that make it worse, such as over-reacting, yelling, name-calling or exaggerating to ‘win points’.
Tool 9: Resolving Conflict, Tool 10: Manage Your Stress, and Tool 11: Dealing with Anger and Frustration provide a range of preventive and management techniques for dealing with strong emotions made more challenging by lack of sleep and disturbed routines, with recommendations of when to seek professional help if the situation is getting difficult to manage.
Tool 12: Renovate Your Sex Life gives recommendations on how to talk with your partner about this area of your relationship, noting that sex is complicated and may mean different things to you and your partner. It also note that, “while there are no guarantees, anything you can do to lighten your partner’s workload, share responsibilities and help her feel more relaxed helps to create more space for sex in your partner’s mind and heart.” Practical, everyday suggestions include:
· Take on your share of parenting and house work.
· Look after the bay so she can have a nap or look after herself.
· Change the sheets and tidy up your bedroom.
· Be unconditionally affectionate. Offer a “free” backrub that you don’t try to turn into sex.
Tool 13: Parenting Teamwork identifies four key components:
· Doing your share – bathing, comforting, dressing, playing, talking, carrying the baby. If your partner is busy settling the baby to bed, making sure she doesn’t find a counter full of dirty dishes when she is done.
· Support your partner’s parenting. Let her know what a great mom you think she is.
· Give each other breaks. Create space for each other and be aware of when each of you is reaching ‘burn out’.
· Work towards common goals. Stay flexible, open to new ideas and discuss your long-term parenting goals together.
Tool 14: Emergency Maintenance
· Power sharing and team work. Work as a team and consult with each other about discipline, children’s health and family activities.
· Abuse is the greatest risk to any relationship. There is never any excuse for threatening, abusive and violent behavior, no matter how angry or frustrated we are. This is the greatest risk to any relationship.
· In question format, this tool looks at potential danger issues of control by imposition of will; feelings of powerlessness, suspicion, suspicion and jealousy; control over money, possessions, property and who to socialize with; patterns of explosive anger or drink-enabled anger; withdrawal into brooding and silence; and expression of lack of respect for one’s partner. These are the warning signs that your family may need help, and where to seek that help.
The booklet closes with personal maintenance recommendations on how to set aside time for yourself, create work/life balance, recognize and address symptoms of depression and anxiety, connection with friends, and the importance of regular health checks and routines.
It ends with a special note for those who been affected by violence in their own childhood, how that can impact adult emotions, and how to go about seeking support for one’s own healing.