Zero to Three and Dad Central have both offered advice recently on setting limits for young children and staying calm under pressure when infants and children have feelings that they can’t control.

Dad Central, in partnership with Dove Men+Care recently offered a one-hour webinar featuring peaceful parenting expert Sarah Rosensweet and fatherhood expert Brian Russell, discussing:

·      Strategies to stay calm when children misbehave

·      Learning how to set positive limits for children to follow

·      Learning to communicate clearly with children

·      Improving children’s listening skills to help them become happier

In the webinar, Sarah explains that the peaceful parenting concept is based on self-regulation, relationship and connection, and using kind, firm limits (as opposed to punishment and consequences) to get kids to behave. Rather than ‘controlling’ children, we are meeting the needs that are causing them to act out.

She argues that behind every misbehaviour is an unmet need, such as the need for attention. If your child was acting out because they were hungry, you wouldn’t refuse to feed them, if they were acting out because they were tired, you wouldn’t try to keep them awake. Their need for recognition is as basic as nutrition and rest.

Brian stresses the value of the relationship between parent and child, and the time and work involved in building a strong relationship as the primary goal, so that other things, like managing behavior, sits within that relationship of trust. He identifies modelling as a key element, looking at how one is dealing with one’s own self-management and interactions with other people and primary relationships.

Sarah stresses that both children and parents are doing the best we can. She notes that our natural state is to be close and connected with our loved ones, and if we are acting out of alignment with that, then there is something else going on. Especially now, during the pandemic, children are missing contact with friends: she says, “The words ‘virtual kindergarten’ do not belong in the same phrase.

When a person is yelled at, even if they retain a restrained posture and facial expression, scientific research has shown that their cortisol levels and blood pressure still rise, and they experience distress. This affects both adults and children. A child may come into line when yelled at, out of fear of loss of relationship with the adult, but their body is registering and remembering the distress. An adult experiences a physical reaction when their child demonstrates anger and yells, but has a wider range of context into which to place the experience, so has more skills available with which to manage self-regulation.

The panel talks about the role of learned behavior, especially for dad’s who have come from a “family of yellers” and discuss how parenting is not reliant on a set of individually learned “skills”, but that there is an art to being a parent, so that when we try out or learn a new skill, it is already coming from a heart that is ready to do that. When parents come to a coaching relationship, they usually think it is to ‘fix their kid’, but they soon realize that it is they themselves who are key to the dynamic of the relationship.

Working from the adage that ‘we can only change our own behaviours’, the webinar explores how self-management impacts interactions: having a clear intention; giving simple, consistent direction; preparing children for change; managing one’s own presentation style (accepting that this may take practice and may feel artificial initially); and working towards improvement rather than perfection. These elements are key to the process.

Sarah S. McLaughlin echoes these sentiments in an article for Zero to Three, pointing out that when small children have tantrums and ‘act up’, they’re often showing that they are overwhelmed by their feelings and need support. She says, “Limits help children feel safe when they are out of control. Children test limits because they want to know that the limit is solid….Imagine a child walking along a fence, testing every part of the fence to see if they can break through. If the fence is strong and reliable, there will be less limit-testing as time goes on.”

She focuses on two sides of the issue, the power of prevention in heading off misbehavior, and adults’ own capacity for self-regulation.

Her prevention hints include:

·      Deciding where setting a limit is necessary: “Get clear on what is important and where you can be flexible.”

·      Being consistent: “If you’re going to say yes, say yes right away. If it’s no, then it’s no all day.”

·      Offering tools to help them wait: Set a kitchen timer they can hear ticking if you’re going to need five minutes to finish a task, and from toddler onward, have a bag of drawing and picture-book materials handy for them to use to fill the time.

·      Helping with daily transitions: Timed reminders prior to transition (e.g. 5 minutes, 2 minutes, 1 minute). Establish routines (e.g. book before sleep time).

·      Offering age-appropriate choices: Where choices aren’t appropriate, avoid asking questions. “Say, ‘It’s time to get in the bath,” instead of “Do you want to get in the bath?”

·      Playing turn-taking games to help practice self-control.

·      Differentiating between feelings and actions: “Make space for feelings (“I can see that you are upset.”) while putting limits on behavior (“I will stop you from hitting.”)

As support to parents, her hints focus on staying calm, quiet, simple and self-aware. Your child needs to feel safe. “If you are calm, they are more likely to pay attention to what you are saying…Talk in a quiet, steady voice…Keep your instructions clear and only give the reason for the limit once. Too much talking can complicate things. If you are too angry to respond to your child, make sure they are in a safe place and then walk away for a few minutes. Let your child know (calmly): ‘I am feeling angry and I’m going to take a short break to help me do some good thinking.’”

She points out that independence and self-regulation are vital skills for children to learn but the process evolves gradually over several years.