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Noting that honesty is a skill that must be learned, Greater Good Magazine offers three steps to help kids get better at telling the truth.

The article notes: “We teach children how to count, to read, to tie their shoelaces. We teach them to develop the abilities they need to be happy, active, and well-adjusted adults. Honesty is one of those behaviors. It forms the basis of trust in our relationships.”

Victoria Talwar, author of the article, has researched the topic of developing honesty in children for over 20 years, and is the author of The Truth About Lying: Teaching Honesty to Children and Every Age and Stage. She offers the following advice.

1. Talk with children about honesty and do it “when you and your child are calm and relaxed, not in the heat of the moment after you have just caught your child lying”. This allows you to refer to the principles you have already established with the child when a moment comes where you must discipline dishonest behaviour. For young children, she recommends a simple definition and simple and short discussions. The discussions can become more elaborate as children gradually mature. She notes that stories that illustrate to children how to be honest even when it might be easier to lie are the most effective. “You can ask your younger child questions about what the characters said (truthful/lie), what the different characters may be feeling, why the characters acted the way they did, how they could have acted, and what were the outcomes of their actions.”

2. Acknowledging honesty when you see it is an important and powerful way to foster truthfulness, but be careful not to overdo the praise, noting that children can easily detect false, exaggerated praise. Avoid comparative praise (e.g. “You are much more honest now.”). She says, “If used with sincerity and mindfulness, acknowledgement and praise are powerful tools for fostering children’s honesty and their internalization of this standard of behaviour.”

3. Model honesty: if you want your children to be honest, she stresses, you have to show them how to be honest. She says, “Matching our deeds to our words is more powerful than words alone.” Children are sensitive to mismatched behaviour, which sends a powerful message when they see us be dishonest, even in small ways. She notes that this is also true for keeping promises. “As a parent, you should only make promises you know you can keep – and commit to them. Breaking a promise compromises our trustworthiness. If promises are heedlessly made and easily broken, children learn they don’t need to keep their commitments or be honest about what they will or won’t do. For parents, being honest means, we have to sometimes take a step back, think before we speak, and only make promises we know we can deliver.”