An article by Maryam Abdullah for the online Greater Good Magazine argues that, instead of judgment and unreasonable expectations, the support that mothers need is love and care – from friends, partners and each other.

The article starts from a comment made by researcher Suniya Luthar nearly 10 years ago, “It is my earnest wish that women can commonly come to prioritize, and to regularly receive themselves, the steadfast love and care that is uniquely associated with the term mothering.”

A recent survey by Pew Research Center for “Parenting in America Today” found that about two-thirds of mothers find parenting harder than they thought it would be, and nearly half of moms say being a parent is tiring most of the time.”  And nearly half of the respondents said they feel judged on their parenting by their own or their partner’s parents.

A 2022 study led by Eva Maria Schmidt, University of Vienna, reviewed 115 research papers published from 2001 to 2021 with the aim of reconstructing social norms around motherhood and mothers’ responses to them. “The findings reveal five contemporary norms of motherhood that reflect both stability and increasing differentiation, and are related to five types of mothers:  the norms of being attentive to the child (present mother), of securing the child’s successful development (future-oriented mother), of integrating employment into mothering (working mother), of being in control (public mother), and of being contented (happy mother).”  The study analyzed mothers’ heterogeneous responses to these norms of motherhood and examined how neoliberal demands build on and perpetuate inequalities.

The findings of the study were that our society has five primary expectations about what makes a ‘good mother’, yet “these expectations are often unattainable and overwhelming, and perpetuate inequalities”.

·       The Present Mother is physically nearby and highly attentive to her child so that she knows what her child needs and wants.

·       The Future-Oriented Mother uses her time and financial resources to provide a nurturing environment—like healthy foods, recreational activities, and stimulating educational opportunities—to secure her child’s successful development.

·       The Working Mother adjusts her work commitments so that they do not disrupt her family responsibilities.

·       The Public Mother reflects to the world that she is in control of her body, the way she parents, and her child.

·       The Happy Mother is content with her parenting role and how she is raising her child.

The 2015 study of over 2,000 mothers by Sonia Luthar and her colleague Lucia Ciciolla found that, rather than their investment in their children and their role as mother being the primary driver in mothers’ well-being, there is a consistently strong tie between mothers’ well-being and their level of social support.  Those who feel personally supported tended to feel less anxiety, depression, stress and loneliness, and experienced more life satisfaction and fulfillment.  Moreover, these findings were consistent across women with different levels of education (high school or college degrees).

The four key supports identified by the study were:

·       Unconditional acceptance: Do you feel seen and loved for the person that you are?

·       Reliable comfort: When you are deeply distressed, do you feel comforted in the ways you need?

·       Authenticity in relationships: How much of the “self” do you show to others—is your “outer self” very much the same as your “inner self”?

·       Friendship satisfaction: How satisfied do you feel about the frequency of visiting with your friends?

It appears that the help women have need of can be close at hand.  A new study from Finland by Tuija Seppälä et al of over 400 women “showed that moms who connect often with other moms in their neighbourhood tend to have greater well-being….Further, those moms who feel supported by other neighborhood moms feel more satisfied with their daily lives.”

The article ends with suggestions on how to build local friendships, from How to Make the Lasting Friendships You Want https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_make_the_lasting_friendships_you_want by research psychologist Marisa Franco.

·       Take action: Put yourself in an environment where people meet regularly, assume that you’re underestimating how much people like you, open up to people in the group, and invite someone to meet up with you.

·       Be vulnerable: Take a chance to share the “truest parts” of yourself. This shows trust and care to someone, which can invite them to show you their capacity for love.

·       Find ways to be generous: Share a meal with someone, offer support to help them with their own goals, spend time together, or take them to the airport.

·       Show love: Greet a friend with affection, let them know you’re thinking of them, and celebrate their good news with them.